Here we are again, Alcohol Addiction rearing its ugly head leading to an almighty relapse. I had heard about how its harder to recover the 2nd time from dependency (and the 3rd, 4th etc) they weren’t kidding!
Think of it like trying to walk 100 metres on a solid sheet of black ice while not slipping, and if you do slip it feels like it slides you back to the beginning.
I am currently getting help with my recovery so it’s not all doom and gloom, although the horrible thing is that you’ve been through all of it before, you know what to expect. If you attend the same service for substance/alcohol misuse and talk to the workers there that you have built somewhat of a rapport with over time it’s very difficult not to feel hugely guilty that you’ve failed them and failed yourself.
Of course no one thinks that at all, its unfortunately an all too common part of addiction.
That was the first part I initially have/had to overcome, stop beating yourself up no one said it would be easy. Admittedly that has taken longer than i would care to mention, escaping the clutches of drink only to fall back into its insidious embrace time and again. You don’t feel like yourself, you don’t act like yourself, and when you manage to throw the haze off around your eyes the guilt starts up all over again.
The only apparent way to alleviate it? More booze!
However I am not giving up, ever. This particular journey of mine remains difficult, even downright terrifying at times but I can’t stop and I won’t stop, it’s too important.
It’s not much but I do feel better getting all of that off my chest as with the relapse I have found it a lot harder to talk about than when I had to admit I had a problem with alcohol. This time around there is this self-imposed guilt that stops you short from really admitting that you still need help.
So consider this the first concrete step on the next stop of the journey!
Thank you for reading