As a continuation from my last post I thought it might be of some interest if I wrote about how I first developed my addiction and propped it up over the years before now.
I believe it all started when I was initially diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, for the first 6 months I handled it pretty well, as the doctor told me almost too well so it really was an inevitability that I started to really comprehend what the implications were of having a life long disease. Initially you can’t comprehend the idea of injecting yourself every day and monitoring your blood sugar levels every day to make sure you stay reasonably healthy. Its hard but you do eventually get used to it and it slowly becomes apart of yourself and becomes no stranger than getting dressed in the morning.
The problem starts is when emotionally it starts wearing on you, especially when your levels start getting unstable and you have to expend a good deal of energy and patience to fix it. You then start looking for ways to mitigate that frustration that despair you get when you can seemingly never catch a break or that life is kicking you when your down. That was the time I turned to drink in greater and greater amounts as an escape from the harsh realities of life, to actually feel good and at least for a few hours forget about that damned disease that you have.
That is a powerful force to be dangled over you, who here would never want a way of never feeling bad or at least a way of stopping yourself from feeling guilt or pain or whatever negative emotion you can think of?
For me alcohol was the answer and soon I just couldn’t exist without it.
To make matters worse I have a problem with anxiety and depression (no doubt exacerbated by the booze) so any time i would have a panic attack or feel hemmed in and useless, alcohol was always there to pick me up and make me feel better. Since the effects only last a few hours you then go about trying to keep that buzz going constantly, hangovers are bad enough without the added anxiety and desperation so you try to top up your “medication” so to speak to keep yourself ignorant of the outside world and various relationships it completely cuts you off from everything to the point where the only things that matter is you and your next drink.
Perhaps it was another method of self-harm, even if it didn’t involve cutting myself I was for sure drinking myself to oblivion each time I got my hands on alcohol, I’d get so drunk I would pass out still holding the can.
To be able to look back at my past like this is very scary, to think where i would have ended up if I hadn’t snapped out of my malaise long enough to realise i needed help, or without my family namely my mum and dad who helped me on that first baby step towards recovery. It does make me feel relieved not to mention proud of myself that I was able to reverse the course I had set for myself, It’s quite possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do or still do in fact since it never quite leaves you until you learn to control it and manage it.
I have a chance now to be who I want to be, To strengthen friendships and to finally make a better life for myself and for that I’ll always be eternally grateful to everyone who has helped me through this.
Thank you for reading