Its been a long time since ive done a movie time, so in bringing it back I thought I would do something a bit special.
Then I ended up watching Battleship and immediately regretted it….
As a rough background to the film in case you are unaware, this movie is based on the popular board game of yesteryear “battleships” and that all you need to know, seriously, Hollywood was so strapped for ideas they decided to make a movie based off a game that has zero storyline or back story, this could only turn out for the better right?……… Right?
(any excuse to use this meme)
Now we’re done with the deep and rich back story of battleship we can get on with the movie.
We open with a bar scene with your typical long-haired waste of space and his clean-cut older brother celebrating said long hairs birthday. Its your typical dive bar that’s nigh on deserted except for these two and a couple of loners, then oddly enough a super smoking hot blonde (Brooklyn Decker) enters the scene, obvious love interest ahoy!
Of course she catches the eye of every straight man in that bar especially the younger brother as he sidles up to her and attempted to pick her up. It turns out she is after a chicken burrito and the bars kitchen is closed, so if she’s looking for food she leaves and looks for another place right? No, Younger Hopper (that is the brothers surname, I can’t remember nor do I wish to remember!) decides in the time limit given of 5 minutes to find her a chicken burrito then obviously she will have sex with him? He runs off to find the burrito breaking several laws and trespassing at several establishments to get one, after he gets one he returns to Decker with burrito in hand and several police cars and officers pursuing him and eventually tazing him as he hands her the burrito.
It turns out scruffy dudes getting chased and electrocuted while getting her food really turns her on as the next scene has them together on a beach kissing, bearing in mind a certain amount of time has passed, so perhaps he’s just terrific in the sack? The Only thing we got shown was that younger scruffy hopper getting bullied into joining the US navy by his older brother who is also a naval officer.
Oh and it also turns out they are going to get married, we are never privy to their relationship development prior to this, which is fine if the relationship has a hand in the movie. It doesn’t, its referred to 3 times possibly 4 in short clipped interactions, seriously the only point of the whole damn relationship was to give liam neeson a cameo as Deckers father, hey look at us we have an actor that you actually recognise, we’re a serious film project!
But I digress…..
We’re actually in Hawaii for the annual RIMPAC… Festival? Naval Exercises? Convention? I don’t know, the point is its meant to be a place for navies to meet up in the spirit of co-operation and forging closer ties etc. I can get behind that, closer ties with other countries can only be good for everyone as we are better together than being apart. Except when they have a football/soccer tournament, naturally the US and japan are the finalists (2 powerhouses of soccer im sure) they have the pre-requisite come back from behind moment for the states, until one of the Japanese players flip kicks younger hopper full on in the face (never gets sent off which is odd). Hopper insists on taking the resulting penalty, threatening other more able teammates in the process to tie up the game which sits at 2-1 to Japan at the moment despite receiving a literal kicking from an opponent and is most likely concussed or at least should be.
So he misses it naturally, the US Navy loses and we see Hopper consoling himself in the bathroom of the ship he serves on, all the while practicing what he’s going to say to Liam Neeson about asking for permission to marry his daughter. Then in pops the Japanese sailor who had previously kicked in the face, and because this is a cliché piece of shit they fight and finally get reprimanded by Admiral Liam Neeson.
Here we get a major cliché when Neeson yells at Hopper saying that he has never seen someone with so much potential waste it like he has, this is probably one of the most overused clichés in film, see the film abomination “Pearl Harbour” for another example of this stupidity.
We never see his supposed potential, we are supposed to just believe it. The law-breaking head-strong volatile waste of space is captain material? Or maybe the criteria for captains in the US Navy is judged by picking a name out of a hat blindfolded? Again im digressing because we get our second cliché very soon after this, we find out that younger Hopper is going to be kicked out of the Navy after the war-games which is quite possibly the first sensible thing this movie has done so far.
So where are the threats to our heroes? Well there still on their way flying through space being tracked via satellite as the so-called smart guy scientists struggle to decipher exactly what they’re seeing. This is stupid on a few fronts because at the beginning of the movie there is a little fanfare made about a facility built at Hawaii which can send messages into space, so what were they expecting when they see a “reaction” on their sensors, also they wonder what it is, it came from space and is flying in formation I think its safe to say that its alien in origin.
Before I move on I have to give you another example of the utter stupidity of the so-called higher-ups and scientists in this film. During a tele-conference from the leaders of the states, one bozo asks why NASA is there….. Why have a space agency there when the creatures came from outer space!
Part 2 coming very soon
Thanks for Reading