Movie Time: Battleship A.K.A Stupid Stupid Stupid Part 3/3

<——–Part 2 

Now is the time that the movie makes an effort to reference the battleship game, with their ship nigh on crippled without radar they instead make use of water displacement buoys as their grid of reference as any time the buoys detect a wave or whatever it sends a signal, the kicker here is that all of the buoys are displayed on a grid with names such as F3, L5 and so on, so when the ship fires at a possible alien ship captain goes target F3 fire! Then they wait for a spotter confirmation of a hit, and for the first few times he goes “That’s a miss” I have to give the film makers some credit as they’ve figured out a way to fit in an actual game of battleships.

battleship-05

Granted its fucking stupid but an achievement nonetheless!

They do manage to take out 2 alien ships but then they come across a third which they lure next to one of the islands of Hawaii to put them in full glare of the rising sun, but before they release a shit ton of ordnance on them they have Hopper and his Japanese colleague fire 50 calibre sniper rifles at the alien ships supposed “windows” how they knew where to fire or whether there windows would shatter under bullet fire I don’t know as they would look incredibly stupid and be in huge trouble if the “Window” they were fire at turned out to be solid armour.

But movie logic pays off, they shatter the window blinding the pilots of the enemy ship and then unleash a hail of ordnance that wrecks the aliens collective shit. The success is short-lived however when Razor sharp alien balls come out of the wreckage and start tearing holes in our heroes warship, yes you read that correctly, sharp alien balls. Which causes the ship to sink, but not before we get one of the more obvious out-of-place shots in the film, the ship tips up vertically only to see the two captains of the film “walking” up the deck defying gravity before they managed to jump off to safety.

So movie over right? They have no ships left and their milling around on life rafts in the ocean, well as it turns out no because they happen to be within a short distance of the museum “battleship” the USS Missouri a relic of the second world war, and a skeleton crew of the previous ship is all that remains. No way that will work right?

*sigh*

It appears that at a nano seconds notice that veterans of the Missouri turn up and get the ship ready seemingly within minutes, they have enough fuel for the damn engines, and worryingly they managed to conjure up munitions for the ships guns out of the asses, seriously did they just conjure up WW2 munitions from the local shop?

Anyway, they get the ship up to speed in no time flat which is an impossibility but whatever, they set sail for the last alien ship which I guess is the mother ship…. Which has set up its shield next to an island which has the radio installation that would enable them to call for reinforcements. So we know what has to be done, BLOW SHIT UP!

Which to be fair is fun to watch, what’s not to like? A full broadside from a massive battleship is awesome, but to get into proper firing position they execute a hand brake turn. I’m not kidding, they steam towards the aliens at full speed then when the aliens are about to fire Hopper has the bridge drop anchor (while still going full speed) which drags the ship Into a literal hand brake turn which in real life would cause the ship a ton of damage ripping sections of the ship apart as the speed and the sheer weight of the anchor pull each other apart.

The ships exchange fire and eventually the Missouri deals the killing blow, now they turn their attention to the radio installation, but there’s a problem! There’s only 1 round left and its at the other end of the ship where the only function gun left, isn’t. Oh and it weighs over 1000 LB according to the movie (according to IMDB in real life it weighs more than 2000 LB) cue a stupid race against time where a load of crewman carry the one round across the ship so they can load the gun and ultimately destroy the radio installation cutting off any hope of alien reinforcements.

Battleship

(Phone Home!)

But wait! The aliens are finished making the adjustments they need and are about to send the signal home (Phone home if you will) but then up pops our double amputee army man and his physio and her mad driving skills to save the day by driving over the power lines disconnecting them with their wheels as they go. Apparently in this universe physios have to have mad driving skills as a part of their skill set, whatever they buy the time and get out of range before a fucking huge shell lands on top of them blowing everything up.

And so we come to the final scene *thank god* Medals are handed out, each military branch gets jerked off and we finally finish the film.

In closing this film is enormously stupid and not in the fun way like Pacific Rim or The Raid. unrelatable and unlikable characters, no where is this more apparent than with Rihanna, she is nowhere near a credible actor and it remains a mystery as to why she was ever cast to begin with. This film is bad no doubt about it, but the fact that so much money was spent on this travesty is even more galling as there are surely more projects around even back in 2012 that deserved funding over this piece of shit.

A dumb blue cgi crapfest that should never have seen the light of day

Thanks for reading

Dave

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One Response to Movie Time: Battleship A.K.A Stupid Stupid Stupid Part 3/3

  1. Pingback: Movie Time: Battleship A.K.A Stupid Stupid Stupid, Part 2/3 | djrutland1

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