Moving on to the next part of the train wreck that is Battleship, our aliens touch down on earth, appropriately enough touching down right next to the massive naval war games going on by Hawaii. Perhaps they wanted to do that to begin with, as soon as they make waterfall their main shall we say “Facility/ship” emits a protective dome shield around a wide swathe of area in the ocean essentially trapping some of the navies ships in that bubble.
One of the ship’s crew pipes up with something stupid that deserves a special mention, looking at a map on the screen a voice pops out “Its gotta be the North Koreans” well done fuck skull, a country that is sanctioned up the arse with its citizens mostly living in poverty has made advances in shield technology that no other 1st world country seems to possess, someone this stupid should not be on the bridge of a warship, ever.
Oh wait, they only trapped 3 or 4 ships, in a shield that covers no land and only water, I think the aliens are winging it at this point. Our heroes of course are confused to what the hell those things are, firing warning shots at the shiny alien sea ship… Things and promptly getting themselves decidedly fucked up by delayed action alien missiles that tears through the ships armour like scissors through play-dough….. yeah. To add to the drama of all these explosions is that Hoppers big brother is on one of those ships that get blown up, added emphasis as younger Hopper sees his brother on deck as everything gets turned to dust.
(If I grit my teeth hard enough ill look badass……)
When this happens all the movie can sum up is a feeble “nnoooooooo” from some no name on an inflatable dinghy occupied by younger Hopper and Rihanna. In fact they all take the destruction of their fellow sailors quite well, and since they can’t drum up any emotion for a character that has had 5 minutes of air time then I can’t/wont either.
While this mildly entertaining destruction is happening, let’s go back to our glorious leaders and see what they’re doing about this alien menace.
It seems we have got to the point where Dumbass #1 asks incredulously, we sent a signal out into space and we got an alien response? Well no shit! What did you expect?! Then turning their attention to a damaged alien craft that landed in china “We have confirmed that it is not of earth origin” again No fucking shit! I’m sorry but you tracked it from space, its flying in formation, unless you have a habit of sending massive boomerangs into space for shits and giggles, there not going to be from earth you colossal idiot.
let’s get away from these idiots before my head explodes….
Going back to Younger Hoppers girlfriend, it turns out that she is a physiotherapist and that she is currently working with an army double amputee called “Mick” who is played by an actual US Army Veteran which is pretty cool but his double act with “Sam” (the afore-mentioned girlfriend) is pretty pointless and adds next to nothing other than another opportunity to suck the collective dicks of the various branches of the US military.
He plays the archetype gruff take no names action man albeit with no legs but that doesn’t stop him taking out an alien by himself later in the movie with the one liner “I got this” He’s so tough he can take out a power armoured alien with his bare hands! etc etc, waaayyyy too much cheese. Some might say that that moment was awesome, but that’s not my idea of an awesome dumb moment, my favourite example would be from the movie “Raid” where our hero chucks explosives into a fridge, turns it around so its open door is against the apartment door that he’s hiding in sending the explosion through the hallway taking out all his pursuers, now that’s awesome, that’s a spectacle.
After we cut away from that little side story (or rather a side thing as it doesn’t qualify as story) the crew of the only in tact ship left realise that they have a couple of alien intruders on board. Turns out one of them is making mischief in the engine room, upon seeing this one dude tries to take it out by himself (noting that this guy is as big as our double amputee) and gets his ass kicked. However Hopper and Rihanna come to the kind of rescue by firing their assault rifles at the alien… In short controlled bursts, seriously when faced with a threat like that do you control your fire or do you let rip and try to overwhelm the bastard with superior firepower?
Predictably it doesn’t work and Hopper lures the alien out onto the decks where Rihanna uses the ships gun to kill the alien with one of the worst one liners ever, aliens realises he’s staring down the barrel of a naval gun and then cut to Rihanna “Mahalo Mother F….” cringe worthy, she is not an actor and that line is terrible to begin with, Christopher Walken at his strangest would be the only person alive capable of making that line credible. The resulting firing of the ships weapon obliterates the alien in a cloud of disappointing cgi.
After a crazy assumption by one of the crewmen its determined that these aliens are lizard like and can’t see very well in sunlight…. So why invade a planet that sits next to a giant ball of light called the sun? They just decided to do it for shits and giggles?
If it seems im being lax on the story of the film then let me put your mind at ease, there is none.
Part 3 coming soon
Thanks for reading