It’s certainly been a while hasn’t it? From a combination of a new 3DS XL and playing Pokemon Y and Zelda, I just couldn’t bring myself to go over this movie, because this film is so middling, so meh, that it doesn’t elicit any kind of emotion. And when you feel no emotion for this grey piece of sludge, It’s hard to review it because you want to be writing about films that give you some sort of reaction, some sort of passion because that’s fun to read, and also fun to write. But I can’t leave something un-finished so here goes:
Last time we saw our heroes they were getting ready for an all out assault by the bugs on the abandoned outpost that they have taken shelter in, oh and there was an almighty dust storm so subsequently we can’t see shit and are just meant to take it as a given that there’s a horde of terrifying bug creatures out there, again It’s another example of the absolute cheapness of this supposed “movie”.
This “Attack” is pretty nondescript, the humans bunker behind chest high walls (which happen to be enough to stop them from getting overrun, work that one out, thousands of bugs getting stopped by chest high walls, the gears of war strategy. But wait! It look like the humans are about to get swamped! What will they do?! Release the so-called criminal hero and he is the catalyst for them beating back the bug threat, classic action cliché + Gruff demeanor and insane slightly homo-erotic attachment to his duty as a soldier, a fan of all those sweaty men then buddy?
After he helps beat off the attack (heh) it turns out that the general from before, the one doing the last stand with three other soldiers against thousands of bugs? Yeah, he’s still alive, and they have managed to pick up three other soldiers along the way, one bald twat, a smarmy medic and an impossibly blonde woman who is way to clean to be believable as a soldier being stationed on a fucking dust planet.
After everything dies down, the film descends into something more akin to a survival horror than an action film with a dark humour twist, so there moving even further away from the first film. Another thing that makes me think the hero loves the cock is that during a quiet moment where everything seems to have boiled down to guard duty and not much else, fucking exciting eh? The impossibly clean blonde woman who was unconscious (who is now conscious) hits on our hero, clearly wanting the dick, he blows her off by making her do press ups instead….. By rights 99% of men would have jumped at the chance, I guess he’s the 1% (for reference the actresses name is Kelly Carlson, Google her and you’ll see what I mean, she’s only been hired for one thing).
No problem if the character is gay, It’s just inconsistent writing, he is an amalgam of every action hero cliché, so by this point you’re not really too sure what to expect from him.
Now, he is the only one with that super human will of steel because after getting knocked back, Blondie goes after the other men for some bone action, and they pretty much cue up after her (and she’s more than willing to assume the role of village bike). But what’s this? She plants her mouth over some random grunt and he starts convulsing as she munches on his…. Tonsils?
(Compensating for something?)
It’s at this point you can guess with near certainty what’s going on, there some sort of bug, there to infiltrate the human ranks. It’s telegraphed to the viewer by way of showing us the three mysterious soldiers steadily going through the remaining MI soldiers, fucking and or kissing them and as a result the “target” changes its behaviour drastically, which no one seems to notice, well they are idiots after all, It’s no wonder there risking losing the war if the soldiers they have on show are the typical calibre of soldier in their whole army.
The only thing that breaks up the parade of idiots, is when some numbnuts shorts out the base’s defence by having the door sever the power cable that powers the defences. Why the fuck was the cable there to begin with? Didn’t you realise that would happen when the door shuts? Did you expect your repair efforts to not work, and you’re just wasting yours and everyone else’s time? It’s just so mind numbingly stupid that you have to laugh, because you’re not getting any other “Entertainment” from this dull dried up corpse of a film.
It descends into a rinse and repeat formula of corner lone stupid man, mysteriously “attack” him and then have them act strangely for the rest of the film. It’s so boring, even if we cared about the characters, It gets incredibly dull and repetitive, how anyone thought that this would make for entertaining viewing is beyond me.
If it seems I’ve started to skim some points of the movie, don’t worry, I really haven’t. It really is this dull and unimaginative, I’d say watch the film and that would prove my point…. But don’t watch this movie…. Ever
Part 3 and my conclusion coming next
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it 🙂