This has definitely been an odd few weeks for me, it’s the first time in a good number of years that we in England have been experiencing a heat wave of 26-30+ Celsius everyday so far for about 2 weeks or more. I have managed to play cricket to a reasonable standard even while melting in the sun, and if you have any knowledge of cricket you’ll know what I mean when I say my captain tried to kill me by bowling me 12 overs straight, although I wouldn’t have had it any other way!
Last week that happened, and I mark that as my turning point because I managed to prove to myself again that I could compete at cricket and do it rather well. I had been getting down on myself and questioning myself for a couple of weeks now, which you could pin on my underlying anxiety. Telling myself “Oh you’re not good enough” or “you’re past it now” which is of course ridiculous, but if you tell yourself that enough you start to believe it which is one of the reasons why anxiety problems are utterly soul-destroying.
Thankfully I didn’t let that grind me down last week, even though it was so fucking hot, and while playing cricket to boot I didn’t let it beat me. Even though I could well have melted right there on the pitch!
And im using that as fuel for moving forward and on to bigger and better things, I over came a challenge which before I most likely would have crumbled and came out of it bigger and better than previously. That’s not to sound arrogant on my part, it’s just I was so proud of myself getting through that day that I could at least learn then to appreciate the positive things that I had done 🙂
As that’s always been a problem for me, appreciating and recognising the positives that I do or have done, rather than thinking whatever I do is shit or completely negative, which is of course a self-esteem issue, which I have struggled with for most of my adult life.
However, using the positives I gained from last week I feel more able to use that and make even more progress this week. And that feels so good it’s almost impossible to describe, that fire that gets lit in your belly that you aren’t so useless after all and that you can combat your inner-demons, its been the perfect tonic to this utterly oppressive heat wave.
Once you find and complete those goals that you set for yourself, or even if you do something that surprises yourself, hold on to them, use them to further your healing and to complete your goals, you can do it!
Anyhoo thanks for reading 🙂