This I found out is what happens to me when I have the house to myself, which came as a bit of a shock for me because, this may sound strange. I have, down the years, taken a sort of pride in being a loner which I can explain pretty simply as, when you are socially awkward and are not helped by having anxiety and little to no self-confidence/Self-Esteem you effectively become your own best friend (and yet worst enemy) so you try to take solace in that you can cope by yourself “I don’t need anyone!” etc. It’s almost like a defence mechanism to kid yourself that everything is fine and normal.
So you don’t have to face the painful realities that are staring at you smack bang in the face.
So, after all that I came to a crashing realisation today after a week of being on my own, is that I don’t like being on my own. It might seem like an utterly simple thing, but for me it was very difficult to admit even to myself because it felt like admitting weakness and exposing vulnerabilities that I had ignored in my teenage to early 20s.
The tricky bit however, is how can I change that while having anxiety issues at the same time which can lead me to being quite awkward in social situations (Which in turn lead me up to talking non-stop without fully engaging my brain) I’m not going to let the size of the task stop me though.
What is it exactly that I hate about being alone so much for long periods such as this week? Part of it is that when alone its far too easy to let your mind wander and coming from someone who used to over-analyse everything (I don’t do it as much as I used to, but I do worry about letting that “Habit” creep back in) its tough, it really is. However it’s not all completely doom and gloom, this is where I gain a whole new level of appreciation of gaming, it’s allowed me some measure of escape in that area, a distraction if you will. Now im not saying its a cure, but that escape it can offer when your feeling upset/anxious or whatever has been invaluable to me over the years.
This all shouldn’t be viewed as entirely negative though, perhaps I’ve always hated being alone and that I was just too ignorant to realise or accept it. Self-Discovery Is never a bad thing, and if you can better yourself from your experiences then so much the better!
And I genuinely am pleased that im moving on from stuff such as the endlessly playing of DVDs in the background to act as background noise, like company of sorts. I’ve done that so many times that I’ve definitely ruined a few films for myself as I can recite a fair number of them now word for word…. I’ll admit Kung Fu Panda was one of them lol
Oh and before I wrap this up, I have to say that another positive out of this week has been the Re-Discovery of my love of metal and rock music, its taken a super human effort on my part not to yell out of my window “Yeah So Fucking Metal!”
I think my neighbours would appreciate my efforts not to do that 😉
Thanks for reading 🙂
P.s. Oh the steam summer sale has started? No wallets are safe!