Resident Evil Movie Marathon Special: Resident Evil Retribution The Conclusion

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Ok ok time to wind everything up as not much else happens between more gun fights, zombie monsters appearing, even more gun fights and that obligatory last-minute reprieve which lets our heroes escape an almost near death situation. In this case the red queen A.I. shutting off the power on the elevator that was there only escape route, seems pretty conclusive that there boned, right? Wrong!

Remember when the strike team (before they entered the facility) planted explosives on the ventilation units top side? Well, that’s plan B…. If they ever were to get stuck they would let the bombs detonate, which floods the facility completely and I think, with the force of the incoming water forces the elevator upwards for a daring escape. Hmm ok maybe I have to give the filmmakers credit for that because I’ve never seen that sort of escape before. But before this can happen, Becky gets captured for a licker *natch* because you 10 odd minutes away from the end of the film, you just have to add more trouble and strife to the completely original formula these guys are following…..

Alice naturally saves her, but not before a funny (but not trying to be) moment between Alice and Leon just before she runs off to get Becky. Naturally Leon is reluctant to let her go because lets face it he’s come all this way to get her out of this top-secret prison and now she wants to blindly run after a giant licker monster for a girl that’s mistaken her for her mummy. Just how does he convey this complex emotion? “I didn’t come all this way, lose this many friends just to let you go now” (In a monotone voice that Samus Aran from Metroid Other M would have been proud of.) Now this made me laugh because if you’d see his “friends” (and I use the term VERY loosely because they have about 3 lines of dialogue between them) you’d know that when they were busy getting brutally murdered, Leon shows absolutely no emotion or any hint of a relationship other than work colleagues. So when he refers to them as his friends it comes across as completely stupid and an utterly utterly bone-headed attempt at trying to crowbar in something other than constant shooty stuff.

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Even when Barry who is on his last legs after getting mauled by the giant licker thing, Leon only shows fleeting glimpses of any real genuine feeling toward him, hell I even showed more emotion than he did because Barry was one of the only characters I actually liked. For no other reason that he was a meathead and he never tried to be anything else, and of course the fan service when he reveals his magnum handgun *almost* had me squeeing in fanboy glee.

But I’m getting side-tracked here, so obviously Alice saves Becky, she blows up the licker for what seems like the 3rd time (but this time obviously is the killing blow…..) Leon and Luther escape via the water elevator and all seems well…..

But wait! There’s more (don’t worry I heard that collective *sigh*) Everyone seems to have forgotten about the Red Queen and Jill, also Michelle Rodriguez (Originally from the first resi evil movie, appearing in this as a Clone bodyguard or something like that, don’t ask why, save yourself the headache). They appear out of a sub that they managed to hijack in the nano second of time they had before getting drowned by the constant flood of sea water gushing through the facility, seriously they would have had no time to hijack one, let alone catch up to our heroes in time, just how long does a sub take to start-up anyway? Fuck sake.

I’ll chop this bit down as if you’ve seen this bit it drags on….

Jill fights Alice while Michelle Rodriguez injects herself with the Las Plagas parasite (and gains super strength and healing abilities), I really don’t remember the Las Plagas ever doing that in the games so they’ve pulled this out of there arses, sorry then she starts to fight Luther and Leon, they are uniformly useless and Luther ends up getting killed, that’s another one of Alice’s potential love interests murdered. Alice and Jills fight on the other hand I rather enjoyed, the music played in it is rather nice and oddly chilled out for a stupid movie like this, possibly a bit screechy at times but still pleasant to the ears. The fights end up getting resolved by Alice pulling the thing off Jills chest that is quite clearly controlling her (seriously if it was that easy then why didn’t you do that earlier?) and Michelle Rodriguez gets the ice shot out from under her so she falls into the freezing depths to be eaten by the bajillion zombies having a little swim in the arctic ocean.

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That’s about it, then they get rescued by Wesker’s helicopter and they make their way back to the white house where we get a bigger picture of the utter scale of the zombie infection because Wesker gives back Alice’s powers from the previous films and in movie quotes states that this is humanities last stand as we pan out seeing the white house and its grounds under enormous siege by the zombie hordes. Completely and utterly butt fucking any sense of subtlety in that one moment more than any time during the film.

So, after all that what is the over-riding conclusion to this 2 hour hoe down? Is the over whelming feel of being jaded, because how the fuck can movies like these keep getting green lit and something like Dredd struggles to get a sequel, apparently we will not be getting a sequel for it, which makes the existence of the Resident Evil movies all the more frustrating. Because if there ever was a genre that could be made to specifically classify this series, it would be called “Stupid” as making a film based on a computer game franchise universally derided for having a terrible story and just as terrible writing is beyond stupid. But at the same time, I have watched all of the films, although im pleased to say I’ve only ever bought one of them 2nd hand where as the others I watched, were bought by my brother.

So since I’ve seen all of them what does that make me? Most likely a glutton for punishment because there’s absolutely nothing redeemable about this series thus far, its by the numbers clichéd riddled pap, clearly it is profitable though because sequels still keep getting fucking green lit! Which could quite possibly be one of the last words I utter on my death-bed….

Thanks for reading!

<————– Pt 3 http://wp.me/p2UB1b-In

Dave

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