Resident Evil Movie Marathon: Resident Evil Afterlife Pt 3 The Conclusion

Jumping straight into it, as when this is over im going to check whether they made another resident evil movie and then proceed to cry if they did because then im honour bound to write that up too.

We start off the final part of this write-up with something i forgot to mention in the previous part which i thought was a pretty fucking big thing, at least to my eyes. It was the scene where Alice was meant to have a shower and the big black dude was showing her that they had running water, how to work it etc. Then they both decide to chat a bit longer (no they don’t fuck, dirty mind!) while leaving the damn water running! You’d have thought that in a post apocalyptic world you don’t want to be leaving the water running gabbing away, wasting what little possible water you have left you morons. Yes im nit-picking but that hit me quite hard, why the fuck would you turn on the water to the shower and then not turn it off while you were talking? Y’know, for conservation sake? Ugh.

Anyway as I have mentioned before in Pt 2 the old guy is the first to die as we get a bit of foreshadowing as he mentions he keeps hearing little noises in the shadows that freak him out (im not going to explain what it is, because you already know). So he gets offed by the resident evil 5 zombies… oops but no one seems to miss him so at least on this occasion the writers have judged their audience correctly in so much as no one gives a shit about the guy they just killed off. So once they figure out that the snuffling noises that now dead twat has been hearing is zombies clawing/tunneling (somehow) their way through the dirt into the prison they decide to let Chris out because apparently he knows a way out of there. Which brings me to the point again that why did Alice and Claire have to land on that tiny roof only to strand themselves? Use your brain you stupid brainless morons and leave those guys on the prison as you’ll only serve to strand yourselves too!

Ok well after releasing Chris only to realise he’s not such a bad guy after all you  come to wonder why did it take 4 films to bring him into the fold? What is it about his character that makes him so uninteresting that they put mr comic relief and boring brain-dead Claire Redfield in before him? As it turns out he’s a perfectly likeable character who can at least act out a decent action scene rather than bumble through it like Claire does (have you noticed I hate her?). There is an interesting scene where Chris recognises Claire as her brother (Them having the same surname has to tip you off) but she is still suffering the effects of amnesia from the magical crab device thing that was on her chest at the beginning of the film. So she’s wary of him in that cold emotionless dead way the actress pulls off so well…… So Chris leaves it for now which only makes me like him more, and he tells them of his secret way of leaving the prison unmolested by the metric fuck ton of zombies.

(Get out while you still can!)

His plan is…… To drive out of there using a fucking tank like vehicle, well duh! Surely the others would have tho….. oh wait they didn’t know about the hulking armoured vehicle at the front door step that they could have used to bust their way out mowing tons of zombies down in the process? So to cut a dull story short, Chris and Alice and Neil’s sister (from the inbetweeners tv show) swim through an oddly flooded… Room? to reach an armoury where loads of kick ass guns are so they can tool up. Surprise surprise though Neil’s sister gets killed as she as the second least characterisation behind the old guy. A question arises though that how do they get the guns back to the rest of the group without destroying them by going through the water they just swam through? There just so happens to be another “magic” way to go, avoiding damaging the weapons…. Well then why did you fucking go that way in the first pla…… You know what im going to keep cutting the story short. We get a glimpse of a huge zombie thing wielding a hammer-axe (again those who have played resident evil 5 will know what I mean, he’s the dude in one of the opening levels who you have to avoid as he can 1 hit kill you).

A collection of action scenes happen, Huge zombie dude somehow gets inside the prison cornering Alice and Claire who team up to kill him, but then the camera lingers in a half slow mo shot of them both getting water from a broken water pipe…. Nice.

I do have to mention one funny scene during this hectic act. Alice finds herself on top of the prison and has to get down to the ground quickly to catch up with the rest of the survivors so she rappells down the building and the zombies chasing her run off the edge to their deaths, which was pretty funny. But that is the only redeeming thing in the mish mash of action during this 10 odd minute period and really you’ve seen one action scene in this series of movies youve fucking seen them all. Seemingly the unique bits in this movie is the gratuitous use of slow mo culminating in the slow mo shot of Claire throwing an MP5 to Alice which has to be one of the most pointless uses of that technique ever conceived, but whatever the movie is approaching its climax so lets skip ahead slightly.

They manage to get to the boat which is the fabled “Arcadia” that we had heard so much about. (i forget how, so that shows how much the movie explained it….. Or i simply wasnt paying attention) They find the wreckage of the plane that the Twat from before stole and seemingly died in the crash (Good!). All is not what it seems though because they go below deck and find that the ship is in actual fact an experimentation vessel where umbrella covertly do twisted things to test subjects, which, ok i wasnt expecting so kudos writers for that. And after several minutes of failed tension building we come across the main bad guy who was missing from the film 80 % of the fucking time….. Wesker, who ill admit looks pretty cool, much more what you would expect if you have any grounding of the resident evil universe from the games perspective.

(They nailed the more goofy yet threatening Wesker!)

So Claire, Chris and Alice square off against Wesker who is of course superpowered from the T-Virus, although im not sure that’s entirely explained in the movie, i think you would have had to have played the game to have had any idea why he had super speed and strength etc (it’s because he’s infected with the T-Virus or one of the strains and he has to take injections to keep it in balance from mutating him, a little bit like Angela from Resident Evil Apocalypse, hey where did she disappear to?) The Wesker fight is actually pretty cool, showing off that oh so resident evil habit of making the final boss come back multiple teams from seemingly certain death to keep harassing our heroes. So once they seemingly blow his brains out they leave his body their, which serves as foreshadowing as you can just see him come back to life….. And as the three start walking back to the bridge of the ship we see that Wesker has indeed come back to life and stolen a plane/helicopter thing to make his escape, but apparently knowing exactly which one he’d steal Alice planted a bomb on there and blows him up during mid-flight.

Make of that what you will because i deem it stupid! Then we get Alice re-recording the message that gets sent out about how its safe on the ship with security etc, but then oh no! we see a fleet of umbrella aircraft flying towards Arcadia with the presumed intent of taking it back and we get a small speech from some woman who also has the crab thing on her chest, who is seemingly in charge, (we have no idea who she is but by this point I would hope your past the point of caring while watching this suck fest and just want it to end) so your left in no doubt whatsoever that there will be another movie…….. (That silence is me holding back the god damn tears).

I was writing this concluding part as something a bit more positive, but as you can see as I started to write, the awfulness came to the surface and I just couldn’t hold back the utter contempt and anger for this piece of shit, again its your run of the mill terribleness but it doesn’t even have an identity of its own. Its your standard, utterly generic garbage zombie film only to be watched in dire times of boredom of sheer morbid curiosity!

Thanks for reading I know at times it can’t have been pleasant but, we made it, we’re finally at the end of the line and there are no more resident evil movie travesties :)…..

Resident-Evil-Retribution-resident-evil-retribution-32177570-1024-768

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dave

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