My 100th post and im spending it on a shitty resident evil film…..
Jumping straight into it, it seems that Ser Jorahs (evil scientist man) serum that kind of reverses the T-Virus and gives them zombies back a semblance of intelligence actually lets them keep their intelligence but doesn’t wipe out their hunger for flesh…. Which as a manual labour force isn’t the best idea in the world.
Remember that little bit for later on in this post because it will become relevant believe me!
Anyway we now find out why Alice was all on her own at the beginning of the film and not with the other survivors, presumably because she thought they were assholes wasnt going to cut it in the final draft of the script. She left because apparently she was being tracked by umbrella using one of there “super” spy satellites as she has some sort of tracking device on her person? Presumably in her eye as sometimes when she blinks the umbrella logo flashes up on her eyes so maybe that’s a clue, I don’t know id already given up caring about that particular plot point as it had no relevance to the story at that point. Ok so prepare yourselves for the next bit as it is excruciating….. They try to form relationships and build characters up around camp fires and try to weave a narrative into what has been so far a complete clusterfuck of nothing, and they take it wwaayyy too seriously, this is resident evil, ham it up with a slice of cheese! Anything! Please! But no take it seriously like the first film and it suffers way more than it needs to, although come to think of it perhaps it’s the writers way of laughing at the people who had the nerve to watch this shit like me?
Just to add I know I harp on about resident evil having no character etc but if they do please try to keep it within the confines of the universe and not try to go all drama on us, anyway…
The campfire stuff is where they find out about Alice’s plan to go to Alaska to find an alleged safe haven (which ive written about in the previous post, but in a nutshell just follow zombieland logic when questioning this, you’ll be fine). They take a vote on whether to go for the plan or not and in the end they decide to which is fair enough, although I think it was Claire Redfield that said “I hope your right about Alaska” so what if she’s wrong? What are you going to do? the world is essentially dead and you’re doing nothing right now except driving around the desert slowly fucking dieing you idiot, better take a stab at this than to waste away at that god forsaken place. The 2nd thing for me is that the ultimate goal is to go to Alaska? How boring is that? At least give us something to stimulate our interest and give us some enjoyment.
All the way this goes on they still havent twigged that comic relief guy is still bitten and is getting more and more zombified with each passing minute, and they only show mild concern towards him, either they don’t care about him (understandable) or there fucking stupid, or both. So he continues his descent into infection and no one cares least of all the audience, when a thought just occurs to me. This bit is random but it hit me and wouldn’t go away, if they have a flamethrower bolted to the top of one of the their trucks how do they keep it fueled? Wouldnt they need gas to help fuel it? and there trucks need it too? So keeping a flamethrower has to be one of the most counter productive ways of rationing fuel ive ever seen in a movie, that is unless I missed something previously but that’s been bugging me. And Ali Larter as Claire Redfield still can’t act with a monotonous dull “damn it damn it damn it” it’s so dull and emotionless you have to laugh at it because its better than getting angry at it….
One of the reasons I like Milla Jovovich, at least she’s actually putting effort into it and “being” her character, know what I mean? But anyway they end up in Las Vegas (just go with it) and they come across a shipping container and decide to open it….. Why? I don’t know, never properly explained. Alice using her force powers senses something and tells them to not open it but its to late! its open and hordes of the Intelligent zombies (remember earlier?) come out and attack our heroes… And they keep on coming, they don’t fucking stop, ever, I mean how many zombies can you fit in a single shipping container? So there’s a pretty decent action scene here, people get picked off Mr Comic relief finally turns and gets killed *Yay!* and Carlos seems to get bitten…. Again, all the while this little *ambush* turns out to be set up by umbrella to capture Alice again which kind of works as they built into her a kill code of sort which gets beamed to her by that magical fucking satellite, but Alice fights it! and she ends up slaughtering the umbrella dudes and Ser Jorah gets bitten and infected by an intelligent zombie, so you’d have thought he was fucked until he yells “Get me the anti-virus!” so all is not lost for him it seems.
As for Carlos though he is will and truly boned, so they hatch a plan to invade the umbrella base with him using their fuel tanker as a massive bomb to open up a way for the survivors to steal a helicopter and get to Alaska, Alice is upset as they have a burgeoning romance which requires no explanation…. Seriously there isn’t any! They share a kiss….. Hey wait a minute ive just thought of something if Alice can sense zombies then why the fuck didn’t she sense that comic relief was turning? Or was that just for plot convenience? Although if you told me she was never around him because he was annoying, id believe it.
But anyway trying to cut a long story short Carlos bombs the place but not before puffing on a joint, for some reason and they all barrel into the helicopter… Minus Alice who has a score to settle! No prizes for guessing who with by the way. By this time though with the combination of altered T-Virus (the intelligence thing he injected into the previous zombies seems to have mutated it) and the presence of the anti-virus have mutated Ser Jorah and he’s now a living abomination pulling powers out of his arse that he would have had no way of knowing he possessed, but fuck it she goes inside the research base where shits seriously got fucked up and she comes across one of her clones…. Who is naked (natch) it must be a clause in her contract, she’s in the middle of freeing her/it when she’s attacked by Ser Jorah who tells Alice that her blood is the key for the cure to the T-Virus… convenient so they fight it out in an action scene that actually reminded me of the final showdown from the doom film (but that’s! for another day).
They end up going through the combat course from the beginning of the film and they get to the laser trap room where anyone who has seen the first film will see what will happen a mile away. It activates, it kills Ser Jorah, Alice escapes unharmed. So We then finally cut to Wesker who is hamming up the evil corporate bullshit (at least he’s trying) when Alice comes up on hologram to threaten him with her and her army of Alice clones….. Well i wasnt expecting that…..
Well finally finished and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I hated watching it! 🙂
next one up is resident evil afterlife
And as always thanks for reading