I was compelled to write this as im having a bit of a moment (thats incidentally lasted all morning and now the afternoon so far) so i figured id talk about it a little bit to try and relieve the pressure a bit and to help myself feel a bit better.
Ive been suffering from depression and anxiety for coming on a year now i believe and it started a couple of months after i got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and i think id kind of got numbed to the situation that id been told i had a life long condition and i would constantly have to keep my blood sugar in check and having to have 6 monthly blood tests etc now i know it could be much worse but going from being a relatively healthy 24 year old lifestyle (playing cricket, playing games etc) and to now having to change that lifestyle all together.
It took me a long time to get to a stage of acceptance as i went through a period of i guess denail where i kept thinking to myself this is far too easy, why do people complain about it and all that kind of stuff, which of course i know now rather painfully, that worry, that realisation manifested itself one night waking me up with my heart pounding at a millioin miles an hour more akin to an engine going top whack than a heart. Which was especially terrifying as i had never felt anything like that in the world, of course i went to the doctors the next morning and talked it over with him and we decided to keep an eye on it and see if it happens again then come back. Which of course it did the next week actually, so i got put on anti depressants to begin with, i also got given anti anxiety tablets at a later date as my anxiety got worse and worse (ive always been a bit of a worrier and prone to bouts of anxiety so that history didnt exactly work in my favour) i didnt really get any noticeable side effects from the anti depressants but wasnt so lucky with the anti anxiety causing me to feel sleepy which im fine with, its a trade off id make everytime to help give me some relief.
i dont know where id be without them to be honest, they are a crutch, but a much needed one.
I am also getting help by way of 1 on 1 anxiety and stress management as of about a month ago, which does help but ill admit i struggle with it sometimes as its hard to fight off the feeling that this “condition” will always be there with me and that whatever i do it’ll always come back. Which could perhaps stem from the depression anyway! Its still not a pleasant sensation which i still struggle with from time to time (it doesnt happen as much as it used to but as soon as i let my guard down it comes flooding back)
Its on those days that it can really grind you down as you cant help but feel over burdened with hopelessness, if you feel that there is no hope, that you cant see anything for you in the future or getting better etc then it kind of shuts you off and makes it incredibly difficult for anyone to help you (thankfully i have some wonderful and very understanding friends, you realise who your true friends are when they stay with you even during your weakest moments) and i am truly thankful to them and for them.
My parents who i love dearly have been incredibly supportive and have essentially learnt with me as i have gone through this as it is hard for them too, as i think it hurts them to see me like this, it might sound a bit callous but i try not to think about that to much as if i do think about it i feel guilty about it, then anxious…you can see where im going with this.
I think whats helped me through the days is a mentality of get through it itll be ok in the end, keep going no matter what, dont let yourself get bogged down, and i think everyone needs the one thing that they can hold onto kind of like a safety blanket the old fall back etc.
Anyway the last thing is to say to anyone who might be having similar problems is that you are not alone and stick with it, it does get better on the long winding road to recovery.
Thanks for reading